everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
