I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
