Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
