Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
