i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
