I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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