why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
