I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
