we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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