her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
