Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
