take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
