Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
