just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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