Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
