i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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