Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
