My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
