you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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