My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
