Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
