When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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