I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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