Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
