its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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