I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
