i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
