love makes seman taste better
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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