i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
When are your genitals available?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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