yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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