This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
