I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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