i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
