i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
