At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
