i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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