The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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