in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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