this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was confusing and full of hummus
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
