Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
