I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have fence marks all over my body
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
