Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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