i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
