I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
