I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
