Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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