OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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