I can't watch pbs sober anymore
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
