So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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