I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
